- Excerpt
The Female Power Within
by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh
with Hillary Welles
INTRODUCTION
This excerpt is taken from the new book, The Female Power Within:
A Guide to Living a Gentler, More Meaningful Life, by Life
Works founders Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh. Graman is a psychotherapist
and former kindergarten teacher, and Walsh is a "business therapist" and
former theater manager. The book is based on nearly 20 years of workshops
for women conducted by Life Works in Greenwich Village.
The excerpt contains the moving story of a violin teacher whose student
recitals were always a disaster -- until she learned to tap and use The
Female Power Within. The story illustrates many techniques described in
the book, such as understanding the effect you have on other people, healing
childhood sources of pain, changing your effect and putting it to good
use, deep breathing, creating an enticing atmosphere, and the value of
support from other powerful women.
The Female Power Within is a subtle book that rides the
Third Wave of feminism -- from self-determination to self-sufficiency to
self-satisfaction. It helps women redirect energy away from anger, fear,
frustration, and resentment into more satisfying channels such as cooperation,
creativity, and nurturing that will help you enjoy more of what you have
while attracting what you need.
More information about The Female Power Within and authors
Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh follows the excerpt. Enjoy!
GREAT MISTAKE!
Your Effect on People is Powerful
by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh
with Hillary Welles
You are extraordinarily powerful in relationship to your friends, your
partner, your housemate, your parents, your siblings, and your coworkers.
You have the power to soothe them, to excite them, or to make them happy
-- and you have the power to unnerve them, to anger them, or to challenge
them. You have a dynamic effect on others, even if you are often unaware
of it. Sometimes it may be in ways you want and sometimes it may be in
ways you don't want. Becoming aware of your effect is the beginning of
having power with it and knowing how powerful you are.
Imagine that you are constantly emitting an invisible vibration that other
people can sense. That vibration affects the way people respond to you.
If you are busy beating yourself up mentally all day, people will sense
your negative force field and respond to you accordingly. If you are experiencing
life fully and feeling comfortable with yourself, people will sense that
too, and will probably respond to you more positively.
When you can begin to see the effect
you have on others, you can begin to understand your own power. And
you can use your power well by becoming in charge of the effect you
have. What happens to you in life is not an accident. It happens because
people are responding to you. If you wonder "Why
does this keep happening to me?" it's partly because you keep putting out
a silent message that stimulates others and that evokes a certain response
in them. People respond to your way of being. It is the core of where your
power is.
Diana's Effect is Powerful
Diana ran a successful private violin program with thirty young students
whose dedicated parents attended lessons with their children. Her students
were fond of her and worked hard to improve. Often, at their lessons,
Diana and their parents would get tears in their eyes listening to a
practice piece evolve into beautiful music.
Diana had her students perform at two concerts during the school year.
She built the concerts up to be a big deal and her students would work
hard in preparation. Every time she planned a concert, Diana was sure it
would be wonderful because her students were playing so well at their lessons.
But as the date approached, she became more and more nervous, picking at
each mistake her students made and assigning them longer and longer practices.
Suddenly it seemed her students weren't playing as well as they had before.
She became convinced that the concert would be a disaster.
When the day arrived, Diana would be so nervous she could barely speak
to introduce each student to the audience. She would sit in the front row
clasping her hands, willing each student to do well. But she was always
disappointed. Even Diana's best students almost always made mistakes, had
to start over, or played out of tune. She often went home and cried to
think that her hard work had not been rewarded.
Hannah's Effect is Powerful
One day Diana entered a concert given by the students of another violin
teacher, Hannah. Diana was stunned at Hannah's happy-go-lucky attitude
and the smiling way she led each student to the stage. She didn't seem
nervous in the least, the parents in the audience seemed to be enjoying
themselves, and above all, her students played freely and zestfully.
In awe, Diana approached Hannah
after the concert. "How do you do it?" she
asked. "My students always freeze up when it's their turn to play, the
parents never seem satisfied, and we all dread the concerts. Everyone here
seemed to be really enjoying themselves."
Hannah smiled. "Well, I just don't make it out to be a big deal," she
said. "We think of it as a party and I have everyone bring something
to eat for the reception afterward. I make sure they know if they make
a mistake it's no big deal, and I have them practice playing in front
of others ahead of time."
Diana realized that Hannah's sunny attitude about concerts had the effect
that her students and their parents were relaxed and open to enjoying
whatever happened, whereas Diana's nervousness and dread of concerts
had created a building of nervous energy for everyone in the weeks leading
up to the event. She realized that if she wanted her students to perform
with joy in the music, she would have to change the effect she was having
-- and changing her effect started with the stories she was telling herself
and her students about the concert. She started examining why concerts
would affect her this way.
When Diana went into her history, she remembered her father supervising
her practices when she was a young violin student. He would demand that
she play pieces that were too hard for her, and then chastise her sternly
when she made mistakes. When she played in a concert, he would sit in the
front row, grimacing whenever he heard a note out of tune or a shaky bow
stroke. Diana could feel herself getting tense and upset just thinking
about her childhood practices and concerts, so she went through the Anatomy
of an Upset (described in Chapter 8). Freed of her past, Diana felt energized
to develop a new approach for her students.
Diana Takes Control of Her Effect
Taking Hannah's cue, Diana started
making up positive stories about how the next concert would be a fun
celebration of everyone's unique style. She assigned easy pieces she
was sure her students could play and had them practice them in different
places -- in the bathroom, in the back yard, at their relatives' and
friends' houses. If a student made a mistake in a lesson, she smiled
and said, "Great mistake!" which
made them laugh.
She enlisted the parents' help to
come up with festive decorations for the recital room and bring goodies
for the children to eat afterward. If she noticed herself getting nervous,
she breathed deeply and reassured herself it would be fun and it didn't
matter what happened as long as everyone was having a good time. After
two months, Diana realized she had changed her scorecard from "Is everyone doing it perfectly?" to "Is
everyone enjoying the experience?"
The concert went brilliantly. Diana's
students were more relaxed than they had ever been, and she realized
she was really enjoying herself. Some students made mistakes, and when
they automatically looked over at Diana, instead of frowning she would
wink at them and mouth the words, "Great
mistake!"
The parents were thrilled with the cheerful tone of the event and showed
their enthusiasm by clapping, hooting, and whistling after each performance.
When everyone was eating cake and congratulating each other, Dina silently
thanked Hannah, her mentor, for allowing her to see she could change
the effect she was having, and therefore change the whole experience
of the concert for herself, her students, and their parents.
Your effect creates an environment around you. When you criticize yourself,
you create a negative force field. When you encourage yourself, hold your
own hand through the hard parts, use empowering scorecards, do the activities
that people naturally come to you for and what you always look forward
to, have enough time in your life, and love yourself, you create a positive
force field.
Uncoverings:
- Think of a recent time when someone affected you by something they
said or did.
-
When you walk into a room, start noticing how you affect other people
rather than concentrating on how they are affecting you.
-
What effect do you have on people in a group?
-
What effect do people say I have even if I don't really see it?
Copyright ©2002
by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh. All Rights Reserved. Please feel
free to duplicate and distribute this file as long as the excerpt has
not been changed and this copyright notice is intact. Thank you.
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