- Excerpt
Daughters and Mothers:
Making It Work
by Julie Firman and Dorothy Firman
INTRODUCTION
The excerpt, below, is from the new book, Daughters and Mothers:
Making It Work, written by mother and daughter psychotherapists
Julie Firman and Dorothy Firman. The book is an intense form of written
therapy for women who have a damaged relationship with their mother
and/or daughter.
The excerpt contains a summary of
suggestions for stepping out of our roles as "mothers" and "daughters" in
order to deal with each other as adults. With over 50 years of psychiatric
practice between them -- specializing in mother-daughter issues --
the Firmans believe this shift in perspective is essential to healing
old wounds and building a future together. Like the book, the excerpt
is laced with case histories taken from therapy sessions and workshops.
The excerpt concludes with an exercise taken from the Workbook section
of the book. The Workbook contains dozens of assignments to help you create
personal solutions to your relationship problems. More information about
authors Julie Firman and Dorothy Firman -- and their pioneering new book
-- follows the excerpt.
Guidelines for Mothers and Daughters
by Julie Firman and Dorothy Firman
Our efforts to understand the essential principles and dynamics of a
powerful relationship have led us down many roads and many women have
been our guides. They have taught us and asked us to teach them. As we
have worked over the years with mothers and daughters in improving, changing,
healing and nurturing themselves and their relationship, some guidelines
have emerged that may be useful. These are not, by any means, set in
stone. As you create your own autonomy, you will create your own set
of guidelines. The guidelines we offer may be a jumping-off point for
your own growth.
There are guidelines for mothers
and guidelines for daughters. They have emerged from the experience
of hundreds of women. If these guidelines serve, even in part, to ease
the transition from parent or child into adult and adult, then they
are worth their presence here. Here then is the "short
form" of ideas and ways to be and grow with each other.
Guidelines for a Mother-Graduate
1. Advice is a Pitfall!
Most daughters agree that mother's
advice tends to keep them feeling little, especially when it is unsolicited. "Mother knows best" is
a hard trend to break, but a good way to do it is to trust your daughter's
perceptions and choices. Mothers have also found that the tendency
to give advice is based on the old feeling that their daughter is little,
thus continuing them in the parent/child trap. On the one hand, daughters
may have to push mother away to keep from having to sift through all
the advice and their own feelings in relationship to it.
"Don't talk to me at all about my
career or my friends or my religion, Mom. I need to do life on my own,
and I don't need your advice!"
On the other hand, the daughter may come to depend on mother's advice
as an adult as much as she did as a child, and her life is defined by
it.
"Mother, I didn't realize till after
your sudden death just how much I depended upon your intense affection
and protectiveness to see my day through. I feel very insecure knowing
that there is no one to help me in some of the decisions life has called
on me to make. I long for your ever-present advice and feel hopeless
without it."
2. Never Assume.
Never assume that your daughter wants the same things from you that
you might have wanted from your own mother. Over and over, women try
to make up for their own losses or repeat their own positive experiences
by foisting them on their daughters. The intentions may seem good, and
generally are not harmful, but they may, as well, be shortsighted. If
I offer to take my daughter to dinner whenever she expresses sadness,
I may be giving what I got and loved, but there is no way for me to assume
that this will make my daughter feel the same way it made me feel.
Before you give or do something
for your daughter, ask yourself whether this is what she wants. Don't
replace "wants" with "needs!" When we assume
that we know what our daughter needs, we are again playing "Mother knows
best." Then when you've asked yourself if this is what she wants, ask her!
Be straight with her! Communicate and don't guess.
From Therapy: Eleanor's daughter
Joan asked her to stay with the kids while she was away on a business
trip. Eleanor readily agreed. While in her daughter's house, she cleaned
and reorganized and painted one of the rooms and fully expected her
daughter to come home elated. Joan was furious, felt invaded, disrespected,
made "little" by the assumption that
she read into this act that she was incapable and by what seemed like her
mother's general sense of "I can do it right!" This incident put a great
rift in an otherwise good relationship, and it was not until Eleanor realized
that she was making some inappropriate assumptions that things began to
get back on track again.
3. Rescuing Doesn't Help!
Only a victim needs to be rescued. Mothers who step in and take charge
for their daughters tend to promote in their daughters any victimized
feelings they may have. A friend and someone who loves me will offer
me help, ask what I need, share her own experience, give me an ear to
talk to, a shoulder to cry on, but she will not fix anything for me.
And for this I will be grateful, as it is a more respectful stance. Respect
your daughters capability. Let her know that you do! And then be there
for her in any way that you want to and she wants you to!
From Therapy: Leah was a
bright college student whose mother loved her dearly. Her mom also
rescued her regularly. When she had boyfriend problems, mom said, "Come on home." When she overspent her monthly allowance,
mom said, "Take a semester off." When she was depressed, mom said "I know
a good therapist." In therapy Leah looked and talked like a sixteen-year-old,
not a twenty-one-year-old. She felt little and inadequate. She felt tied
into her mother and resentful of her. She felt unable to make it on her
own and could barely face the thought of being an adult, though mom had
told her "not to worry." Leah was drowning in her rescuer's grip.
4. Interference is Worse than Advice!
Mothers may be wiser, more capable and more mature than their young-adult
daughters. They may have greater resources, skills and insights into
life. They are likely to be able to handle some of what a daughter faces
better than the daughter could -- but it won't work.
You don't like the man she's dating; you've met his kind before. So what?
Let her figure it out. Got some strings you can pull to get her off the
hook or get her a better deal -- don't bother. Let her do it the hard way!
Don't like the way she's raising her kids, think you could do it better?
You can't. It's her life. Leave her alone. Certain that she needs a little
spiritual guidance? Want to send her those articles on morality? It won't
work. She'll run farther away. Growing is learning. Just as we let the
two- year-old learn to feed herself, though we could have done it better,
we need to let the adult learn about life and do it her way. Trust stands
out again as the guiding light!
From Therapy: "When I was
in the hospital having my second child, my mother took it upon herself
to toilet train my two-year-old. I have never forgiven her. I think
she damaged my child and she certainly damaged any faith I had in her."
From Therapy: "I saw my daughter
walking down the aisle with a man that I knew was no good for her,
but I kept my mouth shut. The marriage did end, but her son is the
joy of her life as well as a gift to me. Thank God I didn't butt in."
5. Guilt Hurts.
Duty is a poor substitute for friendship. In most cases, out of guilt,
a sense of duty can be extracted from a daughter. She will come to the
family gatherings, send birthday gifts, call once a week -- if she has
to. But all spontaneity, originality, and intimacy are lost in a relationship
based on guilt.
Mothers who instill guilt as a motivating force may well be assuming that
daughter will have no real interest in her without the guilt to motivate
her. The mother who instills guilt or in other ways gets what she wants
covertly (through manipulation, coercion or plotting) is likely to be fairly
unhappy and unsure within herself. And she may be cutting off the possibility
of a meaningful relationship with her daughter. Telling the truth will
work better: Letting your daughter know what you want and feel will allow
her to have a genuine response rather than a preprogrammed one.
From Therapy: At a mother/daughter
workshop, one mother in the back of the room brought up over and over
again how her daughter refused to live in Chicago, where the whole
family was. In many ways she enticed, bribed, and tried to "guilt" her daughter into returning. The workshop
seemed to have little impact on her and her parting words were, "Maybe
she'll come back to Chicago now that she's dealt with some of these issues." The
daughter left, more determined than ever to stay away.
6. "Well, In My Day..."
This is an unsatisfactory way to
start a sentence and mothers do it all the time. When you compare your
daughter's way of life to the way you used to live, out loud or to
yourself, you set up a barrier in which you are unable to see her for
her, living in her time and place with her uniqueness. You fail to
accept her the way she is. You operate under the old assumption that "Mother knows best." Let
her be. This one goes back to trust and to acceptance and to a willingness
to suspend your views in order to build the relationship!
From Therapy: "I can't stand
having Mother at my house. Our eating habits upset her. She thinks
we waste money and she is always ready to point it out. Even when she
doesn't say anything, I see her snooping in my refrigerator in a condescending
way. She can't believe that we spend extra money on butter when we
could buy margarine. She has a thing about chicken. I've heard this
line a hundred times: 'I used to make a chicken last for three meals.
We'd have it roasted the first night, then we'd have sandwiches the
next day, and then I'd make a delicious soup out of the carcass. All
you do is spend twice as much money buying frozen chicken and pizza.'"
7. Faking It Undermines the Relationship.
With the best of intentions -- in
fact, after hearing "rules" like the
ones above -- many mothers begin to fake it in order to help the relationship
along. In subtle and not-so-subtle ways they agree with their daughters,
do what their daughters ask, hold back their own feelings, needs and
beliefs. They try to please their daughter. In the role of friends your
rights are equal, and it is not a favor to either of you to pretend that
you like Japanese food just because your daughter does. Faking it creates
mixed messages and confusion and a tendency to always second- guess each
other. Tell the truth, again! It works better to be straight.
From Therapy: "I wanted so
much to have a good relationship to my daughter that I became as accommodating
as I could, as appreciative and complimentary of her as I could, as
like her as I could be. I was a chameleon. I was sure this was the
only way to bridge the gap that had been created in high school. When
I realized that I was beginning to resent her, I knew it wasn't going
to work. I've been expressing some of my ideas lately and it's been
working better."
Changing some long-standing behavior patterns does not mean that you
give up loving your daughter. It means that you see her as a person capable
of handling her own life and that you respect her right to live her life
the way she chooses. It also means that you do not have to pretend to
be able to take care of everything anymore. It means that if you are
afraid of thunder, you can say so without wondering how it will affect
your little one. It means that you let your daughter know that you love
her because she is who she is, not because she is your baby. Playing
by some new rules will allow you both to be fuller people. Both of you
will find that you have rights and they can be respected, you have needs
and they can be honored, you have preferences and they can be negotiated,
adult to adult.
Guidelines for an Ex-Child
Stepping out of the role of daughter
into the role of independent woman and ex-child involves gaining control
of your own story and also giving up some of the perks of having a
mother there to do for you and give you the things that you want. While
it is clearly difficult to give up the role of mother, it is equally
difficult to give up the role of the daughter. At least it is difficult
to give up the goodies in that role. Many adult women try, unconsciously,
to have their cake and eat it too, to be an adult and still have mother
as the safety net, to do what they want and still have mother help
foot the bills. Truly being an adult will require letting go of the "little" and
taking on the big.
1. Take Her Off the Pedestal.
If advice is offered, before you
react in the old ways (probably as if mother were telling you how badly
you are doing) ask yourself, "How
would I respond if my best friend said this to me?" Think about the value
of what has been said by mother. Might some of what she says be true?
Don't automatically imagine that she is treating you like her little
girl because she doesn't trust you or sees you as less than a grown woman.
And let her know where and how you are open to hearing about her perspective
on things. You might even try asking for her advice on occasion, knowing
that it may or may not fit for you.
From Therapy: "I have run
as far as I could away from my mother's 'interference.' In fact, I
am beginning to see that some of the choices that I made were made
just to get away from her opinions. But the other day, in desperation
with my own daughter, I called Mother and asked her how she had handled
temper tantrums. I really appreciated what she said. More than anything,
she made me feel that I was doing okay in a tough situation. It has
changed my attitude about her."
2. Don't Interpret!
You are as likely to read old feelings
and ideas into your mother's actions as she is to treat you in old
ways. Don't interpret her actions, words, requests without checking
out what they mean. "Why did you do
that?" "What do you mean?" "What's going on when you say that?" These
and other questions designed to get clarity will let you know what your
mother's side of something is. When you know that, you can react appropriately.
Trust her intentions and look for the positive in what she is doing rather
than the negative. This will go a long way toward creating an adult-to-adult
experience.
From Therapy: "Every time
my mother asks me about the kids, I have assumed that she expects me
to be failing, to tell her some tragedy or problem that I can't handle.
One time I yelled at her about it. She was shocked and I was forced
to look at my own stuff. I expected me to fail. She was just being
casual and concerned. If she hadn't asked about the kids, I would have
been equally upset."
3. Don't Carry Expectations.
If you've decided to be an adult, then you can't still be the child.
You have to give up the perks of being your mother's little girl. She
won't bail you out, fill in for you, fix things in the way she did when
you were a child. Don't expect your mother to be your baby-sitter, housekeeper
and financier. Ask for her time, money and effort only with the same
courtesy and lack of demand that you would ask a friend. Don't expect
her to approve of all the things you do with your life. Be willing to
have her disagree. She needs to be her own person and you need to let
her be. Respecting her is as important as being respected by her.
From Therapy: "I live my
life very effectively, as do my four sisters, but this issue of going
home to Mom makes us all act like kids. We all expect Mom to pay for
our trip and then we feel slighted if any one of us stays longer. We
have this credit card routine. Mom lets us go shopping with her credit
card. And we play these games about who gets the most, who was most
responsible with Mom's credit card (read: who was less greedy). It's
ridiculous. We're all over 38 years old. Mom doesn't push this on us.
We do it. We want to be little for all the goodies -- but big as well.
I'm going to my parents' home this week and I went shopping before the
trip. I bought myself new clothes so I wouldn't feel tempted into the credit
card trip. I think this will really help."
4. Create Boundaries.
Daughters often invite their mother's interference by not letting it
be known who they are and what they want. Creating boundaries isn't about
becoming armored, it's about defining yourself. Mother knows you best
as a growing girl. The twenty, thirty, or forty years of her knowing
you has been mostly as a child. Cleaning your room for you as a girl
was probably an appropriate action. Cleaning your house may or may not
be. How will she know if you don't tell her? Knowing yourself, and being
willing to own that to your mother, will help her know how to be with
you respectfully.
From Therapy: Gloria came
from a conservative family. Her mother's values were quite different
from hers, especially around issues of being "feminine." She
often bought Gloria dresses and offered to take her to the beauty parlor
when they visited. It took Gloria a long time to make clear to her mother
who she was and how she was different from what her mother wanted her to
be. For a while, Gloria would just brush off her mother's advances and
secretly resent her. When she finally told her mother that she liked her
hair straight, that she preferred pants to dresses, that she'd rather eat
at a casual than a fancy restaurant, her mother heard her. The level of
friction lessened markedly. Mother was able to accept these boundaries
when she knew what they were.
5. Guilt Hurts!
Daughters can lay guilt trips on
mothers as powerfully as mothers can on daughters. All sorts of covert
behavior can be used to try to fix old and "little" feelings. Mother is likely to respond, but it will be
in an unclear way. She certainly knows that she hasn't done her job perfectly
and probably wishes she had. This fact leaves her wide open to trying
harder, to feeling bad, to trying to make up for it. It also leaves the
relationship wide open to staying "hooked" and hurt. Don't compare what
mother does for a sibling with the things she does for you. Don't play "poor
me" games with you mother in an effort to get her sympathy or help or
anything else. Don't make "loaded" statements, designed to pull mother
into your own problems. Talk straight, be honest, let her know your feelings
and wants. Be prepared, as well, to have her not be available in all
the ways you want.
From Therapy: The bulk of
one mother/daughter relationship that we encountered was composed of
the daughter's unconscious need to make mom feel bad. Sally herself
felt bad inside. She felt little and scared. Her initiatives with her
mother were often about her pain, her inability to get on with her
life, her "neediness." Mother was always right there,
trying harder and harder. Of course it never worked for either of them.
Mom felt guilty and like a failure. Sally felt like a victim who was never
quite saved.
6. "Oh, Mother..."
This is not much better a start
to a sentence than "Well, in my day...." The
daughter's version of "my way is better" comes down to a slightly rebellion
and condescending approach to mother and her "old" ways. We may be overt
or covert in our put-downs of mother. We may embarrass her by emphasizing
our differences especially where she is sensitive -- or we may discount
her with our "greater" knowledge. When we act out of a feeling of superiority
we are covering up our own feelings of insecurity. When we are certain
in our knowledge about anything, we are not likely to need to proclaim
it loudly or to make anyone else "bad" for their way. If valid differences
exist, we do need to state our version, but not with any assumptions
or intimations about mother's limitations. Respecting mother will lead
to a great deal of growth.
From Therapy: Mary, at some
unconscious level, loved to make her mother uncomfortable with her
liberal ideas and radically different lifestyle. She was, for instance,
a vegetarian, and a good cook as well, but when mother came to visit
she managed to make the skimpiest, least appealing vegetarian meals
she could think of. She often laughed at her mother's opinions, frequently
in front of her friends, and generally felt herself and her "new age" ways
to be superior.
The final blow to mother came when Mary invited her to come over for a
Sunday afternoon and had her hot tub going with lots of naked friends roaming
around. Mother was embarrassed and distressed. She felt put down and disrespected.
She put on a good face, but when she got home she broke down and felt a
deep hurt. She wrote to her daughter and said she would not visit her anymore.
Mary needed to take a good, hard look at her own intentions and her mother's
needs before this relationship would be able to grow.
Daughters, as well as mothers, need to change some old behavior patterns.
It is quite surprising to note how easy it is for us as young women to
act out adolescent behaviors with our mothers long past our adolescent
years. We struggled for independence as adolescents and yet we need to
struggle, too, to transcend that stage and become full- fledged adults
no longer playing tug-of-war with our mothers!
So we are left to consider what advice we need to give ourselves and what
advice to take. How will we handle the good times and the bad, the ups
and downs, the loves and the hates that we will surely encounter in our
whole lives and in our relationship to this very important other? We may
console ourselves with the knowledge that the difficulties can lead to
greater strength, the pain to greater love, and the obstacles to greater
growth. Mothers and daughters attest to this over and over.
Workbook Exercise #11-3: The Best Advice
The best advice you can give yourself
is yours. Guidelines given by others cannot truly "fit" you. Only the
words, values, beliefs and the uniqueness of your true self will be
able to make the right intervention, teach the right lesson, answer
the questions rightly. And here is your chance.
Based on everything that you know about your past (section one), your
growth and goals, your present (section two), your morality and values,
your best, become the advice giver. Remembering that you are a compassionate,
wise and gentle teacher, write down the advice that you need to hear about
your relationship to your mother/daughter and about yourself.
Suggestions: Write short, pithy
statements that are easy to remember and then elaborate, if necessary.
Watch for a critical voice. If you feel it, dump it and find a loving
place from which to begin again. Be specific. Global advice such as "Be good always" won't
be very helpful.
You may have the joy of following your own best advice!
Copyright (c) 2003 by Julie Firman and Dorothy
Firman. All rights reserved. Please feel free to duplicate or distribute
this file, as long as the contents are not changed and this copyright
notice is intact.
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